I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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