I wish I only lived at night.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
