the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
