I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
