I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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