tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
