We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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