Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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