I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
