70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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