I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Randomize
