you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
