do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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