If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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