Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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