Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Randomize
