I think i sorta joined a cult last night
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
