Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
