We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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