i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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