just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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