The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he thought i was a dude.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
