it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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