I feel like abortions should bother me more
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
