When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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