My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
