I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
