I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
