2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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