If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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