and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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