Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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