quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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