In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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