8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
