I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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