Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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