i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
