she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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