If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize