I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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