The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
