just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
