i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
