I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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