i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
