I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
