I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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