Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Randomize
