you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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