A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he was CRYING into my vagina
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
