Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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