are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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