Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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