What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
